


Warret's List

by filiabelialis



Category: Planeshift Fictional TV Series Campaign
Genre: F/M, Humor, Planeshift Fanworks Exchange, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:04:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5045812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filiabelialis/pseuds/filiabelialis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because our fandom didn't have a Skippy's List yet, and Shiori is just trying to run WizCon without killing her co-chair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Warret's List

**Author's Note:**

  * For [polarisnorth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/polarisnorth/gifts).



**Things that Warret is Not Allowed to Do at WizCon**

 

1.    I will respect the boundaries of my con co-chair: the words “Warret, get the fuck out” require me to remove myself to a distance of at least sixty feet, effective immediately upon their utterance.

  1.     Use of spells or items to project my voice within those sixty feet is considered a violation of rule number one.
  2.     Use of spells or items to project my voice for reasons not strictly related to personal safety or the conduct of this convention are strictly prohibited.
  3.     I will not attempt to “glam up” my co-chair or any third party unless I receive express permission from my co-chair or said third party. Except the Planar Heroes, Especially Asmun, That Wretched Kid Deserves Whatever She Gets For Sticking Me Here With You.
  4.     I will reduce the volume of my projections to ranges not excessively damaging to human ears.
  5.     I will reduce the intensity of my light displays to levels not excessively damaging to human eyes.
  6.    There will be NO smell component to ANY of my displays. There will be NO taste or touch components either, goddamn it.
  7.    I will not project dragon roaring into the loo in an attempt to move the restroom line faster, or for any other reason.
  8.    I will not project dragon roaring or any other frightening noises in a deliberate attempt to spite my co-chair for laying down too many rules.
  9.    No number of rules is too many rules for me.
  10.    Singing “Pop Goes the Weasel” is not an acceptable tactic for “flushing out Genth spies.”
  11.    I am not allowed to use musical cues to instill tension in a conversation.
  12.    Jokes are not always the best way to diffuse tension, as I well know.
  13.    There is no annual Ellesmere Guild Scavenger Hunt.
  14.    I am not to tell con attendees that there is treasure long-buried at the bottom of the lake, waiting for adventurers intrepid and clever enough to reach it.
  15.    The kraken does not appreciate ‘scritches.’
  16.    The following are NOT additional criteria in the golem construction competition: racing stripes, drink dispenser, the ability to combine with the other golems into a terrifying Megagolem. Addendum: No matter how much Asmun agrees with me.
  17.    I am not allowed to attempt to start a Cult of Dyr.
  18.    I am not allowed to auction guild furniture or knickknacks under the pretense of them being new inventions or ancient relics.
  19.    I am not allowed to auction guild furniture or knickknacks, period.
  20.    I am not to initiate or even encourage, actively or tacitly, a guild sing-a-long.
  21.    I will not offer to patent any successful alchemical attempts to create Super Booze. The same applies to pipe weed, any stimulant, and dwarven cheese.
  22.    Use of weapon and combat-related double entendres in war meetings will result in a monetary penalty.
  23.    I am not to incite the attending bards to compose taunting ballads to be broadcast for Pryde’s benefit, unless specifically ordered otherwise.
  24.    I am not allowed to employ a massage service for the War Room.
  25.    I am not allowed to BE the massage service for the War Room.
  26.    I am not allowed to offer catnip brownies to the Catfolk attendees.
  27.    “I was bored” is not an excuse for anything I might choose to do with that lute.
  28.    My co-chair will never be accepting my challenge to a dance-off, or a poetry slam.
  29.    I’m not allowed to narrate anyone’s actions, especially while standing next to or behind them.
  30.    I’m not allowed to project my co-chair’s mundane activities on the screens when the Planar Heroes are not being compelling enough.
  31.    I’m not allowed to provide broadcast color commentary of her breakfast choices.
  32.    I’m not allowed to start a line of action figures of the Planar Heroes, or aid in the selling thereof, even if all proceeds go to “the war effort.”
  33.    I am not allowed to make up an elaborate theme song for myself and my co-chair. 
  34.    I am not allowed to hire Zeth to impersonate any Planar Hero and do something exciting when the real Planar Hero is not being interesting enough.
  35.    ~~I am not allowed to use prestidigitation to give the impression that Elliwick is everywhere and always watching.~~ This rule has been scrapped at the request of Elliwick.
  36.    If I must make petty comments about the sartorial choices of attendees, I must make them out of earshot of said attendees. In private conversation with my co-chair, this behavior is actively encouraged.
  37.    I am not allowed to hide raw meat or doggy treats in attendees’ clothing to get Gwinna’s wolf to chase them around the guild.
  38.    Being able to conduct all convention business in limericks and NEEDING to are two very different things.
  39.    No puppet shows.
  40.    ‘Light’ is not an appropriate spell to cast on body parts.
  41.    I am not allowed to take any kind of artistic license when serving as a translator.
  42.    Using Mass Suggestion to start a flash mob is still not ethical, even if it is one of the MOST ethical uses of Mass Suggestion.
  43.    Any use of Illusory Script during speeches is prohibited, as it is just distracting.
  44.    No ventriloquism.
  45.    I am never to refer to any member of the Gnomish Mafia as “Short Stuff,” even when I am certain I am out of earshot.
  46.    That goes double for Elliot or any other fae creature.
  47.    Dyr neither needs nor desires a halo of light, and I should stop trying to provide her with one.
  48.    Placing ANY item amongst a large group of casters with a note marking the item “For the Cleverest” is a waste of time and unnecessarily contentious, no matter how much they brought it on themselves.
  49.    I do not hold rank in any of Tsadok’s armies, and no one believes I do.
  50.    Similarly, I am not a Great Dragon of any variety wearing human form, and the dragons present take offense when I attempt to impersonate one of them.
  51.    Even if they admit it’s hilarious to watch mortals pee themselves.
  52.    Stop leaving gift baskets of child-safe baubles and books about hatchling care and draconic childhood development outside the Archmage’s quarters. Seriously, too soon.
  53.    Referring to Dusk as one of Gwinna’s pets, while hilarious to some, is not socially acceptable.
  54.    There are no Planar Heroes’ sex tapes, so I had better stop taking bids for them, even if all proceeds go to “the war effort.”
  55.    I am not to tell Tsadok any more stories about the monsters people have tamed and ridden in foreign lands and planes, no matter how true they are. He has started some kind of Dire Mount Bucket List, and it is 100% my fault.
  56.    ~~It is not necessary to tack on “the Master Winger” every time someone says Lowen’s name.~~ This rule has been scrapped at the request of Lowen.
  57.    A guild rec room has merit as an idea, but that does not equate to permission for me to convert any room(s) of the guild into a ball pit.
  58.    Regardless of whether or not Sharn CAN actually melt anyone’s brain, this is not a threat I have the authority to use.
  59.    Referring to Dyr and Tsadok as the “Future Empress and Emporer” before the election is tacky.
  60.    Referring to them as such in front of Duchess Kataraiah is cruel, especially if I correct my mistake with an overacted “oh, I’m sorry, I meant the party leader of the Planar Heroes and the Head General of the three largest armies in the Primal Plane.”
  61.    Making my co-chair laugh does not provide justified cause to ignore any of these rules.
  62.    Lich Repellant is a service offered by qualified divine casters, not a bottled, marketable substance.
  63.    I am not to give Asmun ideas.
  64.    I am DEFINITELY not to give Lowen ideas.
  65.    If my co-chair wants a soundtrack to her life, she will provide her own.
  66.    Color Spray Tag is not a real game.
  67.    I will not deliberately feed amusing misinformation to any of the brainstorming teams, as they may believe me.
  68.    I will not deliberately feed amusing misinformation to Shiko’s Sisterhood just to prove that their fact-checking is as shit as their security.
  69.    I am forever banned from commenting editorially on the aforementioned Sisterhood to my co-chair.
  70.    I will not grease the floor outside the cafeteria and then announce that the guild is under attack.
  71.    I am never allowed to wear a tabard ever again. I know why.
  72.    I am not allowed to take advantage of the current diplomatic frisson between the Capitol and the Elvish nobility to try and negotiate the establishment of my own country.
  73.    I am never again to threaten to leave my co-chair out of the story. That is not even funny.
  74.    My co-chair will accept (and tacitly encourage) gifts as an attempt to make it up to her.
  75.    It is hereby noted that my co-chair is allergic to strawberries, but is a fan of chocolate, duets, and the occasional serenade.
  76.    ~~Especially~~ Even when those serenades are full of unfortunate innuendos.
  77.    Making and presenting a paper crown to accompany the newly created “WizCon Fun Queen” title is definitely a good Con Committee bonding activity.
  78.    Nevertheless, I should not represent to any third parties that my co-chair is actually royalty, or refer to her as “Her Majesty” in company.
  79.    There are other situations in which it is completely acceptable to refer to her as “Your Majesty.”




End file.
